I saw it on the sidewalk

I saw it on the sidewalk on my way to work this morning. It was a bird. A sparrow perhaps. I don’t know birds or pay particular attention to them, however this bird I did notice. It was lying on the ground, not moving. At first I thought it was dead until I noticed a slight twitch. It was still breathing.

It’s hard to say what happened to it. Maybe it was old. Maybe it ran into a window. Maybe it was sick. What I do know is that nobody seemed to care. I looked around at the faces near by. The woman next to me was focused on the don’t walk signal. She seemed more interested to get on her way than look down at her feet. The conversations around me were about business meetings, sights to see, place to go, laughter. No birds. I wanted to cry. This bird was having its last moment and found itself in a sea of assholes that were more focused on their destination than to give two shits. The light turned green and the crowd of pedestrians stepped over the dying bird without a care in the world. I was one of those assholes. A few blocks up I saw another bird. It wasn’t breathing. “Poor thing.” I thought as I entered the building to my office to start my day. There we were, without a care in the world while this bird was dying.

I wish this was my first encounter with death in recent days but it wasn’t. A few weeks ago a friend of mine passed away. Suicide. Everyone always wants to know that. I remember the day clearly. After work I was at home lying on my couch doom scrolling and watching funny videos of people trying to pronounce Châteauneuf-du-Pape. I was mid laugh when I got the text….

“I have some terrible news to share. Edie passed away….”

“I’ll be right there” I said as I ran out the door to meet my friends at a local bar. There I was, without a care in the world while my friend was dying.

In sixth grade I remember coming home from school in early fall. It was a particularly beautiful day with the sun shinning bright, blue skies, and a comforting warm breeze. Perfect to be outside. My family had a screened-in patio overlooking our backyard. The patio was fully equipped with a television set where I regularly watched my after school cartoons and binged on snacks. On this particular day I got myself a big bowl of ice cream while watching one of my favorite shows. That’s when I heard the ambulance sirens. The sound was close but It was difficult to pinpoint exactly where. The blaring sirens continued and seemed to find their way near the street behind my house. The sirens settled a street away near the houses overlooking the Fox River. I remember thinking “I am sitting enjoying my day, eating ice cream, and watching my cartoons while someone is having a terrible afternoon.” That was my version of stepping over the dead bird and moving on with my day. I finished my treat and continued without a care in the world.

That evening, after my nightly shower, I made my way to my room. I shut the door to change into my pajamas and found myself looking over my coin collection. I had a few half-dollars that I was flipping around when I heard a knock on my door. I shared a room with my brother and lived in a house that never had closed doors. We didn’t have any house rules about closed doors, we just never cared enough to shut it. The door to my room was made of balsa wood. A slight sneeze would pry it open so there was never any need to knock or keep the door shut. My door was only shut because I had just finished changing into my pajamas and yet I still found it strange that someone was knocking on my door. It was weird then. It is weird now.

”Jacob, we have something to tell you” my mother said. “Your friend Kong passed away earlier today.”

I followed my mother down the stairs and into our kitchen. She handed me the family phone and on the line was my teacher. She confirmed what my mother told me. “I understand” I said as I hung up the phone. To say that I understood was a stretch. To say I didn’t understand is also a stretch. I knew what death was, I just didn’t know how to handle it. I still don’t. That’s when I realized that earlier that day while I was eating my ice cream my friend was dying. He drowned right behind my house. The sirens I heard was the ambulance trying to rescue him after they pulled his body from the river. There I was, without a care in the world while my friend was dying.